I think I've actually hit a dead end in my life right now.
I am so angry and sad all the time, and all people do, is making it worse.
I feel betrayed, and mistrust everyone, especially those who I normally trust blindly.
I don't know what I want. I don't want anything. I feel like everything I do is in vain. I just want to bury myself in a hole or something until something good comes my way.
Everyday life is... boring beyond words..
I miss my friends, but do I actually get to call them friends?
I don't know what to do.. I am so stuck in my own personal hell.

And my temper... what the fuck? I cry... everyday.. and I get mad.. really really mad, everyday.. and when I smile... I feel fake.

But when outsiders come along, making my day.. I feel like I cannot stop smiling.
Like the cute chinese guy today.. he was the only one in school when I arrived.. and he greeted me with a huge smile and a clinging "OHAYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!". I was so surprised that I forgot to answer him at first. Wow. This is the first time he has ever spoken to me, and that was so.. surreal.. haha. And then he just kept being weirdly nice... like.. he gave me a whole package of chinese cigarettes? Say what? Hahaha. I was really happy.. like.. FOR REAL at that time.
And hanging out with froggie after school was fun.. but now.. everything sucks big time again. I cannot think...

I think Mr. T is coming tonight.. but I am in no mood to be social.. my head hurts.. my back hurts and I am dead tired... and tomorrow... school again... ueh.. thankfully I have my favorite teacher at the time, Miyazaki sensei. Cutest teacher ever. She drew me an alpaca on my last test. Haha.

Now I'm off to sulk, read and sleep I think. So .. yeh..

Whats the definition of "friendship" for you?

Well, whatever then. I guess I'm just interesting when I'm needed.

But what about what I need? Did you ever think about that? Friendship is not supposed to be so one sided it's like those pathetic tragic love stories or something.


I just want a normal friendship for once in my fuckin' life. It's not about take and take and take, or give and give and give. It's about making each other happy. Making each other feel at ease. Be there for each other when it's needed and let the other be there when you need it. Is that really to much to ask for?

Limitations?

Så det jag försöker är att ..inte tänka på det. :) Försöka se saker positivt.

Wow , I haven't been updating lately...

Hiya there blog, it's been a while.
I just simply..forgot about this blog. lol.

Right now I am sitting in my bed, freezing to death! Seriously, it's so insanely cold in here! :( Waiting for Martin to come home from school so we can eat and maybe buy tickets for crystal castles tomorrow. :) I really really really reeeeeeeaaaaaaally want to go, so I hope there is still some tickets left. ;_;

Today I had a new teacher, Abbo-sensei. She was seriously AWESOME! :D
And then I went to the hospital to get a check-up and some new medicine. :)
My rheumatics is still okey, so it was cheaper than usual :D And that's why I can afford to see Crystal :D YAY!
Maybe I'll see them on wednesday too, but then it's just a DJ session... but anyways... IT'S CRYSTAL FUCKING CASTLES! ^_^

Yesterday we went to mysterious, a really cool restaurant with like a "mysterious" theme. lol. The food was awesome and the drinks ever more awesome... but seriously? What was up with the love ballads? x'D They should've played like... mysterious music? xD

And the day before yesterday we went to tokyo disney sea! :D It was so awesome that I smile hugely every time I think about it. :D

A lot has happened in in the last couple of weeks, but I am tired and lazy so... I'll write about that some other time. :)

I am using my tumblr much more often than this blog so, if you're interested in what I am doing, go read that when I am not updating, key? :) My tumblr


Mjaa... bye bye for now.

Was it worth it?

I am seriously thinking about leaving japan for good.

ööö

Oh no you didn't.

How could I have waited?

Where the hell is that loud sound comming from? Getting kind of freaked out.

Needless to say, I was to paranoid when it came to my pretty bf
So we're cool now. :) Yah.

Had a great time out last saturday. Kisses and hugs to M and M since it was a party to celebrate their birthdays..
Yesterday was 休み！And tomorrow is　休み！

Oh yeah, and my notebook broke down. :( It was the worst 24 hours of my life, seriously. I don't think I've ever cried and pitied myself that much before. Hahahaha. It sounds kind of pathetic when you say it out loud.... ehe... I love my computer and can't even survive a good 24 hours without it. God. That's fucked up man.

Well, now I am going to do some more settings for my newly formated computer. Like, download msn...gash troublesome. The only music I have so far is Fever rays selftitled album and two albums by The Knife. Good enough for me for now. :) Haha.
Oh and I have two songs by 2NE1 too. Can't live without them.


Otherways?
I am kind of scared. Because my back is hurting again. Like... a lot. I find it difficult to move properly and to get up from my bed or the floor. (yes I like to sit in the hallway smokin' thanks) Well, since it's cold outside and I sleep on a really hard bed it can't be helped I guess. But I am afraid that the inflammation is back. The idiotic disease. I hate it. Go away.

I just feel like sleep in my bed in Sweden right now. It's so comfyyy!!!

Other complaints?

Hm... well yeah. One person needs to think before they act. Another person should stay the hell away from MY Tboy. And... I could use some extra money from CSN, about...right now? :) That would be all... I think. Yeah. Probably.

Anything good?

Well yeah, the part about me making up with my man is the best I think. And then there's the part about me being a genius and fixing my computer by myself. Yeah yeah. And then we have.. hm.. my new found loved ones Fever Ray and The Knife. I mean, I have been listening to TK for some years, but never..like really active. And E showed me a MV with Fever Ray the other week so... now it's compleeeete.


And to sum up this messed out post;
My new wallpaper me and M found. Hehe. (It's the one in the upleft corner alrighty?)

Kra...

Defeat.

I think it's time for a major breakdown soon.
There is something seriously wrong. Either he's seeing someone else behind my back, or he simply doesn't love me anymore. And ...I acctually don't want to know which, I just wish he would man up and tell me it's over. Because, this is not a relationship.
Lies. Dissapointment. I can't handle this any longer.

I've been down for a long time now. But this makes me wanna go into my safeplace and shut everything out. I hate to say this, but yeah, he was the only reason I decided to stay another year. But I don't think I can handle being away from the ones who truly love me when he tells me. Because even though I'm prepared, I am going to die when he tells me.

And to think he actually have the nerve to send me another fake apology mail when I didn't even responded to the first. Does he actually think I am that stupid?

He is really hurting me. But because I really love that stupid idiot, I am not going to be the one who ends it. I am going to wait until he decides to tell me the truth.

And until then I don't think I want to have any contact with him at all. Because it makes me so sad. And it hurts.

And I HATE to be the person who totally falls in love with someone, and then time after time get dumped.

I seriously wonder, what is wrong with me? Why can't I find someone who actually cares and seriously loves me.

I don't think I want to try anymore. Fuck school. I was only going there so I could stay here and be with him. Totally wasting my time it seems.

But what the hell should I do!?
I can't go home to Sweden and accept defeat can I? Can I?

Anger management anyone?

I am really angry at the moment.
There is no new thing that I really dislike companies like CSN, SI and Gouda for various reasons. But what they all have in common is that they are all bloodsucking leeches. For real. CSN don't want us to live proper lives in Japan and give us less and less money. SI wants to have a bigger share of the cake, and raises the prices every year. And Gouda don't care if you are dying, they just don't want to give you any money at all.

But this was seriously the worst. I mailed my contact person on SI today and told her that I had paid their bills. And I told her that I hoped that I had done everything right. But instead of checking with the economy department or whatever she totally disrespectful towards me and tells me that; "That's my own responsibility to know stuff like that and that if I did anything wrong, well, then it sucks to be me. Because then they will charge me extra, for making it wrong."

OMG!? Is it supposed to be like that? Are they really allowed to be that rude to us? We are in fact their customers, and that would in the practic make them obliged to treat us nice, so we still want to "buy" their product, right? I mean seriously?
I have had huge amounts of problems with theese 3 companies over the past year. And... I am getting really tired.. I mean... okey....CSN is behaving lika asses all the time, towards EVERYONE. But they are the only ones that can help up afford to study abroud. But Gouda and Si... what the hell are they thinking? I mean...there are tons of other companies just like them out there who would be happy to have me/us as their customers. But they just don't care do they?

God. I wish them all the suffering and pain we have felt this past year. The many days we couldn't afford to eat, the days we were in so much pain we had to go to the hospital, the days we couldn't go to school, because we didn't have the money.
I wish they would feel it for themselves.

Haha, I know I sounds like a spoiled brat now, but ...could you survive a year on 2 onigiris a day? Because, that's the way they want us to live. That we get sick and can't go to school because of that... well... that's our own fault.

And I guess I could find a job.. but yeah... let's face it.. it's not that easy. Because I am a foreigner, I can't get that many jobs. And the jobs I CAN get, I can't take, because they are illegal or have the wrong working hours. I wish I were a korean or a chinese person. Because seriously, ALL of my korean and chinese friends have jobs. Not good jobs, but jobs. Because they can work in chinese or korean restaurants. And I am jealous. Really jealous.

I would take pretty much any job, that wouldn't kick me out of the country. But the competition is....horrible.

So... what to do what to do?
Well yeah... all I CAN do, is to eat 2 onigiris a day and shut up about it.

Don't you strutt that ass to me!

Omg. I am so tired of struck up bitches who can't stop struttin' their asses and shit. I mean, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Give it a rest will ya? You are not BETTER than anyone else. You could be nice gals, but instead you're killing every ounce of respect I ever had for you. Shame on you. Nobody likes a "skrytmåns" as it's called in Swedish.
I will never, ever respect your way of living. And that's a fact. If you can't be more respectful to people with lesser incom, no rich parents, not that nice clothes and not that many skills when it comes to school and achivements I will never respect you :)
Maybe you think that I'm a two headed bitch for saying this, but hey, I don't care. Just because I'm not the same person as you are you can't treat me like I'm less worth than you. Because, that just ain't right. Didn't you moma told you to treat people as you yourself want to be treated? Well, my did.

Off for a smoke, and then I think I have to wake up the snoring, sleeping beauty in my bed, haha.
Think his work starts in 2 hours or so... or.. well.. I hope so... because he never told me his working hours today. lol. I hope he starts 5... and not...2... omg.. I hope he don't blame me for not waking him then, haha.

Yeye