Defeat.

I think it's time for a major breakdown soon.
There is something seriously wrong. Either he's seeing someone else behind my back, or he simply doesn't love me anymore. And ...I acctually don't want to know which, I just wish he would man up and tell me it's over. Because, this is not a relationship.
Lies. Dissapointment. I can't handle this any longer.

I've been down for a long time now. But this makes me wanna go into my safeplace and shut everything out. I hate to say this, but yeah, he was the only reason I decided to stay another year. But I don't think I can handle being away from the ones who truly love me when he tells me. Because even though I'm prepared, I am going to die when he tells me.

And to think he actually have the nerve to send me another fake apology mail when I didn't even responded to the first. Does he actually think I am that stupid?

He is really hurting me. But because I really love that stupid idiot, I am not going to be the one who ends it. I am going to wait until he decides to tell me the truth.

And until then I don't think I want to have any contact with him at all. Because it makes me so sad. And it hurts.

And I HATE to be the person who totally falls in love with someone, and then time after time get dumped.

I seriously wonder, what is wrong with me? Why can't I find someone who actually cares and seriously loves me.

I don't think I want to try anymore. Fuck school. I was only going there so I could stay here and be with him. Totally wasting my time it seems.

But what the hell should I do!?
I can't go home to Sweden and accept defeat can I? Can I?